Some kids walk into our programs dysregulated, struggling to participate. What we often don’t see is that life at home is likely just as challenging, if not more so. For some parents, simply showing up is an act of bravery. They arrive, hoping – often against experience – that this time will be different. That this time, they won’t get a call to pick up their child early.
I’ve even heard heartbreaking stories of families being met at the door and told, “I’m sorry, but your child cannot come in.” For parents, that moment is devastating. For those of us who work with kids, turning a family away isn’t easy either.

Understanding the Struggle

There are many reasons why a child might struggle in a program. A common challenge? The child repeatedly tries to leave the space or is disruptive to the group. But here’s the thing: this behaviour isn’t about being “bad” or “wild.” It’s about feeling safe. It’s about dysregulation – many child who doesn’t know how to calm themselves, understand program expectations, or process the overwhelming sensory experience of a new environment.

Starting with Connection

The first thing we want to do with any kid, whether we know them or not, is connect. For our kids who exhibit challenging behaviour, the biggest thing we can do is find a way to connect with them. If you’ve ever worked with a kid who is struggling, you know that’s often easier said than done.

The (nearly) Universal Language of Connection: Food

Did you know that the one thing consistent across all cultures, is that they share food for big events. This can be celebrations, mourning, or just gathering as community.
One of the easiest ways to connect with any human, big or small, is through food (Note: Always get parent permission first). Most programs offer snacks, because we know kids do better when they’re fed. But I want to encourage you to think beyond the standard snack routine.

I shared in Messy MOMents, about the first time my kids enjoyed church and did not want to leave the childcare program. I couldn’t imagine them making it through the program, let alone enjoying it. 6 years later, I was talking with some volunteers, including the program leader who had first connected with my children. She laughingly asked me, “Do you know how I got them to stay those first couple weeks?”

I looked at her, slightly apprehensive as I felt those anxious emotions from six years previously start to rise, and curiously said, “No, how did you?”
She laughed and told me her secret. She had fed them Costco individual bags of chips and played with a construction toy. She’d sit with my then 2 and 3-year-olds, letting them screw plastic pieces together while she shared stories and kept handing them bags of chips. “They would screw the plastic screws in, and I’d unscrew them,” she explained, “And yes, they ate most of the box of chips. But they stayed!”
That’s my favourite phrase: “But they stayed!”

Beyond the Limits

As program costs increase, it is tempting to say “Only one snack per kid.” But what if having 2 or 3 extra snacks is what that child needs to feel safe, connected, and begin participating? I am not suggesting you feed a child an entire box of chips each week. But an extra bag while they settle in, can make all the difference.

Building Bridges, not Barriers

The goal isn’t to have a perfectly behaved child. (Not that that’s realistic anyways) When a child struggles to participate, it’s not just about behaviour – it’s about feeling safe, understood, and connected. Sometimes the simplest approaches, like sharing a snack, can create the bridge a child needs to begin trusting.

Remember, for these kids and families, your patience and understanding aren’t just nice – they’re necessary. Behind every challenging behaviour is a child trying to communicate. Our job is to listen, even when the message comes through disruption.

To the parents reading this: I see you. You’re doing an amazing job. To the program leaders: Your compassion, and snacks, matter more than you know.

Looking for more resources for your program staff? Check out my Tame the Flames training.